Talk Dirty To Me: The Sex-Positive View

The issues in feminism shifted from lesbianism to sexuality (sexual practices) towards the end of the 1970s. They mainly talked about prostitution, pornography, and sadomasochism. However, these third-wave feminists had different takes on these issues so they were divided according to their stand on women’s sexuality, consequently, the feminist sex war was born.

The radicals, or the sex-negatives, argue that:
(1) women are objectified in any sexual relationship between heterosexuals;
(2) sexual practices that exhibit violence against women, such as BDSM, must be rejected;
(3) intimacy must be the focus of sexual activities, not performance; and
(4) for it to be considered an equal relationship, authoritative role-playing must be condemned.

In contrast, the libertarians, or the sex-positives, argue that the radicals look at women’s sexuality in reference to men’s and not as itself independent from others’. These libertarian thinkers point that:
(a) the objectification of women is a result not necessarily of heterosexuality but of the stigma imposed by patriarchy;
(b) the line between replication and simulation must be distinguished before claiming that a certain act is a form of violence;
(c) pleasure and satisfaction of both parties should be the focus of sexual activities, not mere intimacy; and
(d) negotiation and compromise according to each other’s needs make the relationship equal.

Sallie Tisdale supports the sex-positive view in her Talk Dirty To Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex. Her narrative of her own and other women’s experiences, her revelations in art and literature, and her inclusion of biological and psychological facts paint a portrait not only of how restricted women are in expressing their sexuality but also of how shackled the discussions on sex are. “Everyone does it, and everyone knows that everyone does it; I know you do it and you know I do it. …Still, we find it almost unbearable to talk openly about sex…”, written in white to contrast the dark gray almost black cover, Tisdale gives a vignette of how we mysteriously play with sex – inevitably shifting the narration in a woman’s voice every now and then. She talks about sex, itself, as still a hasty, ill-defined, misty subject.

The first one hundred pages revolve around sex as a forbidden fruit and as a burden that oppresses women. She recounts stories of parents protecting their children’s “innocence” and of women’s lust treated as the Other in reference to men’s. She opens the next part discussing the problems of “perversion” then she proceeds discussing those that are repeatedly mistaken as perverted acts – pornography and the backlash from conservative feminists, prostitution and the stereotypes that continue to hurt the industry, and fantasies and how they free us from the socially imposed conflict with our sexual desires.

As someone who has done researches in the philosophy of sex, the third chapter is the highlight of the book for it gives a close analysis of the words that are fundamentally associated with “sex” yet are the most tainted and expurgated: “penis”, “vagina”, “penetration”, and “orgasm”. She confronts these words head on and treats these words as plain as possible, as malice-free as she can. This is one thing that these social movements on sexual liberation have not thoroughly addressed yet. Most works on sexual liberation focus on the freedom from the structured practices (e.g. pornography, prostitution, and sadomasochism) and on political correctness of pejorative terms (e.g. denouncement or reclamation of the word “slut”) but seldom do they focus on embracing words that have been wrongly socially censored. Even after twenty-three years from the book’s publication, these words and their images are still heavily censored, still treated with so much malice, still handled with great caution, still replaced with funny nicknames.

In the concluding chapter, she reveals the nuances in the most controversial issue in the sexual liberation movement – the BDSM. Despite being a sex-positive, Tisdale still asks with great honesty the most important questions on safety, on psychological soundness, and on the validity of consent. I wrote an article on a sex-positive feminist defense of the submissive woman in BDSM for my thesis. Using the libertarian framework, these questions have been answered already but, surprisingly, my reviewers still raised the same concerns. After reading this book, that’s when I realized that these concerns remain valid. Intuitively, the line between sexiness and kink, and aggression and psychological imbalance stays indistinguishable. Tisdale responds to these allegations of abuse with a reflective challenge to the readers who claim that these sexual practices are exploitative – without even trying any of these – to also reflect on the possibility and probability of harm and degradation in traditional conservative practices such as in marriage, in vanilla sex, and even in romantic relationships.

One can only be considered a true social justice warrior (Not used in a pejorative way because it shouldn’t be, in the first place.) if and only if they’ve done a critical analysis of all sides involved in whatever that they’re fighting for. Now that we’re in the era of post-sex revolution, most especially that “feminists” are springing up like mushrooms, this book is necessary because Tisdale provides an intimate yet critical justification for the sexual liberation movement.